Club Awards 2012

Club Awards 2012

A great night was had by all with an excellent band (made up of club members) finishing of with a great rendition of sweet Caroline with everyone joining in have a look here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T5tmmmiS-c 

 

The Awards

 

Sprint

1st Rachel Baker            Dave Jones

2nd Sam Anderson         James Dear

3rd Margaret Hollamby    Phil Couch

 

Olympic

1st Hazel Tuppen            James Dear

2nd Fiona Bussell           Phil Couch

3rd Lucy Williams           Rob Hoodless

 

Middle

1st  Rachel Baker          James Dear

2nd Hazel Tuppen          Steve Alden

3rd  Nikki Dow               Vaughan Portelli

 

SHORT BAR

Rachel Baker                James Dear

 

LONG BAR

Julienne Stuart-Colwill    Steve Alden

 

Best Athlete

Rachel Baker                James Dear

 

Most improved Athletes

Julie Williams               Rob Hoodless

 

Performance of the Year - Margaret Hollamby (silver medal European sprint triathlon)

 

Achievement of the Year - Claire Cresswell (Completing Ironman)

 

Club Member of the year - Mark Jordan

 

And once again the had the excellent wit of Loz with the alternative awards I was going to just give an overview but thought it was so good his script should be put up for all to see. 

Ladies, gentlemen, friends, visitors, new members, long dangly members and fellow triathletes it is once again my pleasure to regale you with tales of misdemeanour and misadventure from that bunch of part time athletes and full time social misfits otherwise known as the mid-sussex triathlon club. 

Those of you with a good memory (and that rules out 50% of you) and who were not too drunk (and that rules out the other 50%) will recall that last year was the year of the TIT - Triathlete in Trouble. 

So what kind of year was 2011 - I can reveal to you that it is the year of the Twisted Warped Absent Minded Triathlete. For those who are poor at mnemonics that is T.W.A.T - TWAT. 

By our very nature others consider us somewhat twisted and warped - what other part of society wakes itself up before sunrise to smear itself in cold grease, dress in rubber, share a communal (and often less than perfectly formed number ) in a pungently perfumed plastic prison with no loo roll and then throws themselves into a guano infested swamp? 

What marks out this year is the additional and exceptional degree of absent mindedness displayed by some of our seemingly sharp sportsmen and women. 

Speaking of TWATs I must at this stage thank the secret club awards committee for their tireless and dedicated work in bringing you the most up to date and no expense spared prizes this evening - thank you Steve and Pippa.

Our first and most sought after award,The Golden Buttocks prize is given for success in the realm of romance and since the retirement of Andy "snakehips" Heath there has been little action in the Mid Sussex bedroom department.

However for one amazing and astonishing moment I thought we had the most unlikely of twisted and warped winners. 

Already a married man and holding a high station in our esteemed organisation I was rather worried about Steve Mac when I heard he was getting together with an old flame - perhaps he hd forgotten he had a wife?.

Poor Mrs Mac, how must she feel - probably quite relieved given his high levels of testosterone.  Happily it turns out it was my hearing again and in fact he is going to get together with the Olympic Flame.  So no golden buttocks this year .but then a glimmer of hope from another unexpected source...

My anonymous source, Rob Hoodless, indiscreetly told me that he had seen one other of our married elders, Steve Alden, getting hot and steamy with a bit of beaver action. More amazingly he told me he had gotten great pleasure from watching!

Whilst I was obviously repulsed by this thought I had to ask for more details (in the interest of this prize category of course) and maybe some photographic evidence (to add to my extensive personal collection).

Rob looked a bit perplexed as he explained to me that I had gotten the wrong bushy creature beginning with b and it was a bit of badger action.

It seems that this keen duo were practicing their time trial skills with Rob given the job of catching Steve over 25 miles who had been given a head start..

Steve "trains like a snail races like a hare" Alden was just about to get overtaken by Rob when an unfortunate bit of two tone roadkill found its way in his path

Always one to take the shortest route Steve had no hesitation in slicing the poor creature in 2 and leave Rob with an entrail facepack. Whilst this was a rather warped incident it was not the kind to win the prestigious Golden Buttocks so I am afraid dear friends we must keep this award locked up in the vaults of Jordan Mansions.

However we do have some specialist equipment for Rob to use the next time he decides to train with the Aldenator....  .

 

A recently neglected prize category is the Fashion Award for Interesting Renditions in Yarn (F.A.I.R.Y.). Since the decline of the wool industry the committee has also agreed to allow the use of synthetic materials

 Many cannot forget the previous recipient of this award, Mr Ricketts and his Sweaty Purple Paisley Pants. Indeed many are still receiving counselling for post traumatic shock

It was in fact Mr Ricketts who nominated tonight's first contender for her choice of the Ann Summers "Barely there" range of underclothing for the passionate triathlete. He spent much of the East Grinstead triathlon trying to keep up with her to admire it more closely. His high levels of breathlessness at the end were attributed more to Rachel's ravishing rear than any actual effort he had put in.

Jules' husband Darren warrants an honourable mention for his Smurf outfit he wore to support everyone who did the Portsmouth Marathon - turns out it was the icy climate that caused his blue hue not a deep admiration for brightly coloured gnomes

Following his success in showing his golden glowing glutes our gusset loving triathlete known as Trevor in tights again rummaged through another ladies drawers (thanks to Jean) to produce a glamorous glittery appearance at the Santa run. Unfortunately this does not clinch him the top spot.

Unbelievable as it may seem Trevor was quite literally outshone by a radiance so bright that had many passers by believe that Gabriel had come to deliver a Christmastide message.

In fact it was our absent minded twisted old timer whose wardrobe is more suited to a teenage ladyboy than an octogenarian athlete. Forgetting entirely that he is a bloke (and one who is old enough to know better) he had the audacity to outdo twinkly Trev in a fetching illuminated angel outfit. So please step forward Tinkerbell Del to accept this magnificently crafted award. Whilst you applaud or heckle please take a moment to admire his finely honed physique in this limited edition press portrait...

 

 

The golden spanner is awarded to those who mechanical ineptitude surpasses their athletic ability. There have been multiple bids for glory from our twisted and absent minded triathletes. 

 

The Wobbler - a man of little physical talent and boundless forgetfulness managed to snap his chain half way up Leith Hill and being rather absent minded had forgotten his chainlink tool. Sadly Kev, Ian Anderson and I were equally absent minded and we we spent the rest of the day pushing this ungainly lump around the South and North Downs in search of a bike shop. Not quite enough to earn a golden spanner though.

 

Steve Mac a man of impeccable appearance (apart from tonight obviously) is rather particular about colour coordination and had invested in some some nice orange bar tape to match his David Dickinson permatan.

Someone who reveals their flesh as much as he does needs to ensure they have an even all over tan and Steve has been known to resort to the bottle during the colder months - not the alcoholic kind of bottle as he is almost totally abstinent (apart from tonight again it would seem) but the self tanning kind of bottle.

 

As he left the Dolphin on the handlebar tapes first outing he realised with horror that there was a terrible clash in the tango tone of his tape and his tan. Sensing immediate ridicule he decided to kick his chain off through vigorous abuse of his gear levers and took the opportunity to coat his hands and tape in a mucky but matching shade of chainoil black

 

However these 2 puny attempts were severely outclassed by this evenings winner. A man who makes a habit of forgetting to check his bike over and even when he does forgets what he should be looking for, he excelled himself at the club half ironman.

 

Maybe he was under the impression that the half referred to the amount of bike that should arrive back at T2. And how he managed such a feat we will never really know but Ant Grey managed to get his bike under the BTA weight limit between T1 and T2 arriving with half the usual number of pedals and 100% less than the usual number of saddles. For this outstanding feat of mechanical ineptitude he clearly deserves the golden spanner.

 

 

Our penultimate award is often the most hotly contested - the ARSE award for Accidents Rated on Severity and Entertainment.

 

An accident waiting to happen is probably the kindest thing you can say about the Wobbler - a man who posseses his own gravitational field. However this will be marked as the year he stayed upright and his crown will go to another.

 

Realising there was no opposition from the Wobbler several made a valiant late attempt to clinch the ARSE.

 

Jules spent several fruitless hours cruising the Haywards Heath one way system in search of an accident but this calculated strategy only resulted in a ripped jacket and some missing elbow skin!

 

Jim Graham made a better stab at things a couple of weeks ago and thought the best preparation for the Marrakech marathon would be to use the side of a car as a bicycle brake. It worked ,but at the expense of his helmet, shoulder and face. Not a bad try, but could do better.

 

For those who are squeamish please turn away, for those who are not please give a big ""whoo as he steps forward to reclaim his helmet from this particualar accident

 

Mark Jordan is another who decided to use a vehicle as a bicycle brake. However this time the van came off worse and so he will not be proud owner of an ARSE award this year.

 

Peter Harris added a 4th discipline to the triathlon - gymnastics. The double back somersault with half twist as he took his bike off his car roof rack at the Cambridge duathlon earned him some admiring looks but not from the unfortunate girl he landed on. In spite of the cracked ribs that resulted he still he qualified for GB age group (unlike the flattened female) so I guess he hadn't quite given his all to the proper challenge of the ARSE

 

Steve Alden is a man who is all for sex equality - he wants to get as much as Emma gets. However, his principles are easily overcome and this was evident at the last Crawley Wheelers 25 where he was starting just ahead of Rachel. Concerned that this might be the day he got chicked he reached the first roundabout and hurled himself off the bike causing great bruising to himself and a few holes to his skin suit but miraculously (or not) no damage to his rather expensive and cosseted bike. Watch out though Steve she promises to get you this year.

 

Whilst the men were pussy footing about it was one of our magnificent ladies who showed them how it should be done.

 

The hilly 100 mile cyclosportive was probably too much for most of the men here and the terrain too challenging and technical but that didn't stop our heroine from taking the Meatloaf "Bat out of Hell" approach to descending. Yes the downhill was steep, yes it was covered in horse poo and gravel, yes it was twisty and littered with feeble men who were shattered from the previous 85 arduous miles but it really does not explain why Jean Fish absent mindedly forgot to use her brakes rather than her body to slow her descent. Gallantly, my informant, Sharon the compassionate, listened to the crash occuring nearby and pedalled on oblivious to her comrades demise.

 

To add insult to injury our fated female was carted off to the Royal Sussex (where no doubt Mr Ricketts was pocketing fortunes on call) and received the NHSs finest treatment. Discharged and given the all clear following an Xray of her leg, Jean was perplexed at the amount of shoulder discomfort she was experiencing several days later.

 

I am not sure if it was her absent mindedness at forgetting to mention the graunching of freshly parted bones at a and e or her high pain threshold that were to blame but it turns out her broken collarbone gives her the position of top ARSE of 2011.

   

Prolonged Egotistical Noting of Induced Surgery

 

As a man who defies description and prescription, we have had to create a one off award for this unique individual. I expect most of you will know him because he is not shy of blowing his own horn and showing off his latest self induced excuse for not competing. I believe he has forgotten that he is a triathlete and sees himself as a semi permanent resident of the NHS.

 

If there were an Olympic endurance event for Munchausen's then the gold medal would be in the bag.

 

I will illustrate this with a couple of quotes:

 

From the World Health Organisation publication on the International Classification of Diseases:

M√ľnchausen syndrome is a psychiatric factitious disorder wherein those affected 
feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention or sympathy tothemselves, it is also known as hospital addiction syndrome

 

My second quote should be familiar to all, as it is one of many of you will have received from the globally distributed e-mails of our hospital addict:

 

I just thought I would let u know that rather unfortunately the muscle and tendons on the right hand side of my leg which was operated on have got tangled up with the metal work that's been put into my leg !! As a result I am not able to straighten it and the pain is more severe than before the op. I now have to have an emergency operation on january 17th to have all the pieces taken out and the multitude of screw holes filled with bone filler to prevent the bone breaking.

I'm told I will be off for 2 weeks after the op so if anyone wants to pop over for coffee that would be lovely !!!
If anyone is passing the treatment centre on tuesday week please drop me off a magazine ??

 

Bloody cheek - the only thing he is getting is this cheap (but lovingly crafted) award.

 

 

I believe Mr Ricketts is the man who has seen him most (hovering around the entrance to the Nuffield Hospital) so I would ask him to step forward and receive on his behalf (because he really is in hospital) the inaugural award for

Prolonged Egotistical Noting of Induced Surgery (and once again I will have to painfully point out the mnemonics of this - P.E.N.I.S.) which goes to Ian Ogbourne

Our final award goes to our PRIZE TWAT - the triathlete who has proved himself or herself the most twisted, warped and absentminded.

 

One of our 2 valiant runners up is our own lady of the lake. Perhaps the Southwater slurry has gummed up her brain and she is not quite as sharp as she used to be. After her successful 2nd place in the national age group championships in the "F " age group she joined the GBR team for a spot of international competition out at Pontevedra. Our absent minded age grouper was feeling very pleased with herself as the race progressed. Not only was she cruising past the other "f" age groupers she had the distinct impression she had aged much better than most! Anyway it wasn't till well after the event had finished that she realised that the 'F' mark on the ladies legs meant Female as opposed to being our age group letter. Yes quite silly and absent minded but quite as forgetful as our next runner up.

 

A man whose fast and placid exterior hides a chaotic and absent minded interior, our other runner up was also involved in international competition at Gijon.

 

Fastiduously he ensured that all his race nutrition, gels, potions, personal grooming products and a surprisingly large quantity of lubricants were packed. He also ensured that all his spanners and allen keys were readily to hand so that he could reassemble his bike at the other end of the flight.

 

Less fastidiously he had absent mindedly forgotten that these things were not allowed in his rather fetching man bag he was using as hand luggage.

 

I am not sure who was the most amazed or amused - the security guard or Rob, Steve Alden and Pete Harris or the queue that was building up behind them as all these items were produced and subsequently confiscated.

In spite of this James Dear remained quite upbeat on realising that they had overlooked a couple of gels!

 

 

However the PRIZE TWAT goes to a man whose athletic ambitions are truly stupendous.

With such high ambitions come the possibility of a lofty descent. And is not without some merriment that I note that TWAT also stands for Three Water Attempts Terminated.

 

You may now have gathered that the recipient of our final award is our open water sewage swallowing superhero, Jamie Goodhead..

 

Before I outline his noble non completion of his cut price attempts at a foreign holiday I must congratulate his wife on setting a target and completing it with a magnificent marathon time and no misfortune.

 

But it must be admitted that swimming the channel is rather a complex and extreme matter and his first failed attempt really was quite unfortunate as one of the team manning the accompanying support boat had a cardiovascular accident half way across and the swim was terminated for a first time . Happily he survived as did Jamies ambitions.

 

 

Now what happened on the second attempt is more of a mystery. It would seem the adverse wind conditions that thwarted our gluttonous glory seeker were more of the meteorological kind than the carboloading induced sort.

 

Surely it would be a case of 3rd time lucky. It certainly seemed that way as he entered Calais harbour after 19 (yes 19) hours of swimming. However the cold and extreme toil on his magnificent physique but pitiful brain were all too much and lead him to become rather confused and absent minded.

 

In spite of his crews determination to get him to believe he only had 100 metres to go and that he was just about to complete his ultimate challenge, he entirely forgot himself and terminated his own attempt by stepping onto the boat.

 

So tonights PRIZE TWAT wins his award more because of his Three Water Attempts Terminated than his final act of absent mindedness.

 

He also wins my undying admiration and I hope that I stand here next year to tell you of his successful crossing and to award him the Channel Urges Now Terminated award (and I wont tell you what that spells).

 

Please step forward Jamie .......

 

   

That brings us to the end of my summary of the year of the RAT so it just remains for me to thank you for attention and thank those that have ably assisted me tonight

 

and now to hand you over to our in house band - the TWATPack